No, I don't agree with you
Anyone who knows me, knows that I rarely have a problem giving someone my opinion. However, right now for some reason that is beyond me at the moment, I am biting my tongue all over the place. Here is what I want to say:
I don't really care if you don't like your daughter's boyfriend, the fact of the matter is that he has gotten her pregnant. I don't think you have the right to deny him his parental rights. Yes, he's young (16) and she's not much older (18), but this is still their child. You are bullying her into signing custody over to you under the guise of putting the child on your medical insurance when really it is just another step in keeping him away from his child. You have already convinced her not to name him on the birth certificate. Do you not realize that as soon as he turns 18 he can demand a paternity test and sue you for custody/partial custody/visitation rights/whatever anyway under your state's law? Why put the child through that? Let him be a part of her life now like he wants to be. As far as I know he isn't a drug addict or a criminal. You claim you don't like him because he doesn't have a lot of ambition. Hello - he is 16!! I'm not saying they should run out and get married and try to raise the child while working at minimum wage jobs. They do need support from their parents. But, you are crossing the line and making decisions for your daughter and somehow convincing her that she is the one making them. That is going to come back and bite you in the ass some day. Might I remind you that you were convinced that by only allowing her to see him 1 night during the week and 1 night on the weekend you had control over her. You had so much control that now you are going to be grandparents. Back off! She just might surprise you and be a wonderful, loving mother.
I don't know why this situation has gotten under my skin so much. These are good people and good friends of ours. But the more they talk about this situation, the more I feel my blood pressure boil. I think it's their attitude of superiority more than anything. They just automatically assume they are right on all counts and that I am in agreement with them.
I know in this particular situation, the absolute best thing I can do is keep my mouth shut. But, since that is *extremely* hard for me to do - I'm letting it out here.
posted by Diana | 10:35 PM
2 Comments:
Diana,
This is an awfully big issue to keep quiet about. This will have LIFELONG consequences for all the parties involved, and I'm not sure that keeping quiet on this serves anyone. I don't expect my friends to be clones of myself, and I don't want them to be. I also don't want their advice on my parenting style unsolicited, but I understand that they may have different opinions. I may not agree with those opinions, but I don't have to. If I ask for their opinion, I have to respect it, even if I don't agree. I also expect them to respect that I may not change my mind. Mutual respect, agree to disagree, etc. I would probably handle this differently myself. I don't think I'd be quite about it. If you feel that you have to bite your tongue, it will eat away at that mutual respect and potentially your friendship with them in the future. If your friends have taken you into their confidence by letting you in on this fairly personal issue, it seems to me they are looking for a defacto approval of their actions. Your lack of voicing a different opinion could be construed as a tacit endorsement of their course of action. The hardest thing in this situation I see, is not being judgemental in presenting a different opinion. I would say if the opportunity presents itself, let them know that you don't agree with how they are handling this, and if this were your family, you would do things differently. If they ask you what you would do, then they have given you the permission to explain your views. I would then leave it at that. If they don't agree, fine, it's their family, if they do, then you may have helped the family with an objective disinterested party's viewpoint. IMHO, but, you may feel differently. However, I am inferring from your blog post that you would rather say something if you could and perhaps were soliciting for other ways to handle this situation? or perhaps I should just keep my fingers off the keyboard...lol
Bruce, you know that your comments and inight are always welcome with me. I have struggeled a lot with this one. They haven't actually asked my opinion, more of a stating their opinion and nodding at me as if to say "I know you feel the same way". I will think on what you said, and will give you an update if anything changes (read that: If I get my courage up to speak up. Which is usually not a problem for me...)
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